Getting a bunch of good friends together is always a fantastic opportunity to eat great food, drink good wine and of course have great conversations…which inevitably end up covering topics such as relationships.  One topic is a relatively common one and of course one we covered in a lively discussion. 

“Letting your partner know what you need”

This is a big subject and there are so many off shoots to this.  However, if we just ask ourselves the simple question “How do I like to be appreciated” or “How do I like some special in my life to show they care or that they love me”.  As you begin answering this question you may notice some trends starting to emerge.  It might be that you like those emotions to be expressed verbally to you, or physically in a hug or with kisses, or through something like a gift – flowers, chocolates, card etc, or with a great meal.  It might be a mixture of all these or each occasion might warrant a different gesture.  Regardless, it is important to clarify which is your special way you like to be appreciated.

Why is this important?

You will surely know when you don’t feel appreciated, loved or cared for if given a scenario the gesture you thought you would receive is not forthcoming.  Usually you will then feel fed up, annoyed, hurt or upset in some way.  What you expected to receive, has not occured.  The more this happens, the more likely you are to feel more upset, annoyed and so on.

So what to do?

Let your special someone know that you like to be appreciated, loved, cared for in this specific way when this occurs.  Ask your partner what he needs in various scenarios so you can then understand this and respond accordingly.  If you both are able to reciprocate and try and meet each others needs in this way you are less likely to feel negatively towards one another.

But aren’t you criticising your partner?

I don’t think so.  Having a calm conversation about each others needs and how to meet them in a non critical way can be beneficial to both.  If you can honestly say to your partner what you need in a specific scenario, and you are aware of their needs and both of you are happy to try helping each other get their needs met, then this can be avoided.

Why don’t you just not help and not repeat the act you did that left you feeling upset?

Well you could.  However, what will this achieve long term?  Avoidance of a situation will not improve the situation in any way.  It might go away temporarily, but will rear its head again in a similar scenario, leaving an increase in negative emotions.

How do you say something?

This can vary from you mentioning the situation that upset you, clearly owning it and stating something like “I feel hurt and unappreciated when x happens”  “I recognise that people saying x to me in y scenarios is one of my needs”.  “The other day when y happened I started to feel hurt when I didn’t get x response”  “I know I would feel a lot better and would feel appreciated if you could express x in these sorts of scenarios”.

This can then lead on to discussing the partners needs in similar scenarios or different scenarios, so that both feel like they have got the other person’s interests at heart and that that need can be met as much as possible. 

It will take time to get right though…practise makes perfect…and start off with only one need and slowly build from there.

For more help on letting your partner know what you need visit www.datingadvice.co.nz