Make an impression before Valentine’s Day

How many times have you seen or met someone and you didn’t initiate a conversation, indicate your interest or contact them again after having initially met them?  Did you angst about whether you should make contact or not and after deciding to do nothing, felt disappointed that you didn’t?  Are you wondering if they will contact you?  Here are some ideas about what you could do to not miss an opportunity or follow up after the fact:

•Ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen if you were to approach, respond to or make contact with her/him.  The worst could be that they will say no.  Okay, so then you just have to go with your feelings as a result.  You can get through that!  The world won’t end will it?
•Once you have determined that nothing terrible will in fact happen, and then consider your options.  There is a good chance that something great could happen.  Isn’t that worthwhile?
•If you have not met the person in-person yet, make eye contact and smile and when the opportunity is right,  approach him/her, introduce yourself and get a conversation going
•If you have had someone showing an interest in you, and you would like to respond, simple eye contact and smiling will allow the person to feel more comfortable about approaching you.  If you are in a larger group, you can step away from the group for a while, making it easier for this person to approach you
•If you have met someone and would like to follow up with a further meeting then you can choose to do so in 4 key ways.  Directly, by indicating your interest in the person and making a suggestion for meeting up again.  Secondly, by attending another event where this person will be present and seeing how the second meeting goes.  Thirdly by getting assistance from a third party.  If you know people who were present when you met get their assistance to get back in contact again. Fourthly, by sending a Valentine’s card.  You’ve got a few days to prepare for this – but it could be lots of fun.
What is important is to not let the opportunities go by.  Be proactive while the momentum is there.  If you wait a week or two, that momentum and interest can be lost by either party.  After all there is little to lose and a lot to potentially gain.

Go on, do something now that could see you being with someone on Valentine’s Day.

If you’d like to download my free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2011.  All rights reserved.

Ask not what your date can do for you, but what can you do for your date

So you really want to impress your date? Is it in the way you present yourself, how you move, how you talk, walk, what you possess, your job and talents. Well yes, but what’s just as important is what you can do for your date. How many times do we go on a date and take an approach that is purely one sided with regards to our desires and wants. Is he/she going to offer to pay? Is he/she going to make me look good? Is he/she going to measure up to my friends/families expectations? Is he/she going to just take from me? Is he/she going to be intelligent enough? Is he/she cute enough?

You see, once you meet your date and they seem like a potential for you, a dance begins. You hedge around offering so much, waiting for the other to give, then you give a bit more. Be that information, warmth, offering to pay or whatever. Has it ever occured to you that, sometimes this distancing and only giving so much can be off putting and can sometimes lead the whole date to the point of no return.

What if you turned that around and put yourself in your date’s shoes for a moment. What could you do to make the whole experience more enjoyable for them. Could you share more about yourself, ask them more about themselves, listen and be actively interested in their conversations, empathise with a story they tell, laugh at their jokes. Having open, sharing conversations go a long way in terms of increasing rapport between you and your date and can assist greatly in getting to date number two. Could you offer to pay, could you offer them something they would really enjoy? Being willing to provide and share gives an indication of your intent to be generous and giving in a relationship and so can also help to get you to date number two. Could you make them feel important, by having eyes only for them during the time you are together. Would it be that difficult to put your phone away and turn it off, would it be too hard to not check out other singles while you’re out with them. Once again, if your date feels cared for and special this can more likely lead to date number two.

Give some thoughts to who you are and what you can offer to your date. Usually it is the simple gestures that can mean a lot. Take this attitude with you to first dates and you’re more likely to get to date number two.

If you’d like to download my new free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2011.  All rights reserved.

Dating Article – Thinking about having a work fling?
by Denise Corlett
There are strong views for and against dating someone from work.  We’ve heard great stories of people dating, forming relationships and living happily ever after, as well as those nightmare situations where it all turned ugly.  If it is something you are considering, then make sure you consider these points before proceeding.

Firstly, does your company have a policy regarding dating someone from work.  If they do, then if you want to retain your job, your option is really not even to contemplate it.  If you and the other party are so keen to date, then one of you will need to find another job.

If there is no clear policy, then consider seriously and if necessary even discuss the whole issue with your potential date.  In particular you will need to consider how you will both feel and react if it doesn’t work out.  Imagine the worst case scenario.  Consider how awkward you would feel if it didn’t work out, who would know in the organisation, what intimate details could be revealed, how difficult it might be to work closely with this person, how it could affect your career or promotion within the company. 

Then if it did work out consider how and if colleagues would feel about the relationship.  Would there be public displays of affection and what would be the reaction to this; would both parties be able to concentrate on the work at hand; would preferential treatment be given to either party over and above other colleagues and could this lead to a bad feeling within the organisation.

Even if you decide on a professional and discreet approach, you are likely to have some people in the know, others gossiping and still others asking direct questions.  Are you prepared and happy about this?

Other things to consider are how big your company/organisation is, how many departments and buildings there are.  If the relationship does end, can there be enough space for both of you to remain in the organisation without bumping into each other, or your colleagues being affected by the fall out.

Remember it is always best to be aware and prepared for the worst case scenario if you decide to proceed.
If you’d like to download my new free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2010.  All rights reserved.

 ”Le Tour de France” and finding a partner

I recently observed the 2010 Tour de France and made some links between the effort, mindset and skill required of a “Tour” cyclist and those who want to find a partner. Let me summarise 9 points for you to consider.

Focus
In order to even get to participate in, as well as reach the end of the tour requires a lot of focus. Single-mindedly aiming for something requires a lot of effort, drive and concentration. On the tour if you don’t have focus, then those moments of inattention could lead to an accident or a competitor getting away from you. Finding a partner means being clear about what you want to achieve and taking the steps and putting the attention on making that happen.

Practise
I was amazed at the amount of time and kilometres these guys do on a daily basis. It’s no surprise they are so quick and skilful. I’ve also read various authors and researchers mentioning the “10,000-Hour Rule”. This states that the key to success in any field is a matter of practising a specific task for a total of around 10,000 hours. So apply that to different aspects of finding, attracting, approaching and sorting prospective partners then the time that you’ve spent in a relationship. Don’t forget that your technique might need a little adjusting to get the success you want. How long have you actually been practising the techniques?

Consistency
Professional cyclists like those on the Tour consistently turn up to train and put in the hard yards that get you to the top of your game. Imagine if they trained only when the mood took them. Their results would not be the same as if they consistently trained. Dating and finding and being with a partner requires consistency too. Okay, you can get lucky and bump into someone but I would recommend that you apply the same principle of consistently being open to coming across someone when you’re out, consistently trying different approaches and flirting styles to see which one works for you, consistently getting into conversations and consistently working out who and what is right for you.

Take in the scenery
Cyclists on the Tour have the opportunity to keep their blinders on and focus or take in some of the incredible scenery along the way. You too have a choice, and of course there will be times when you literally have to put your blinders on to get tasks done. But, if you’re in or near your work environment, a family or friends gathering or sporting activity, you still have a choice to look around at the scenery. You might be pleasantly surprised that there are prospective partners around you that you hadn’t noticed before.

Learn from your competitors
On the Tour there is some stiff competition. You have to constantly observe and watch their tactics and in case they get ahead or get the better of you and your team. What can you learn from your competitors than can give you an advantage when you are dating and trying to find a partner? Rather than envy your competitors, learn from them. What behaviours and results are they getting from their actions? Is there something they’re doing that you could emulate, but in your own style? Take something from your competitors to work in your favour.

Get assistance from your team
Cyclists on the Tour wouldn’t make it to the end without the support of their team. You too, can have more success with the assistance of your own personalised team. Your team could include friends and family, colleagues, dating agencies, internet dating sites, dating coaches, image consultants, fitness trainers and beauty therapists. If you’re not having the success you would like, then look at who you could add to your team.

There will be times when you sweat
It always amazed me viewing the cyclists on the tour putting in huge amounts of effort for sustained periods of time with sweat pouring off their faces and chins and how they could possibly keep going. But they did. They wanted to achieve their goal so they were prepared to put up with the sweat and pain. How prepared are you to feel uncomfortable, sweat and work through the pain to potentially achieve your goal?

You have to take risks
Sometimes I couldn’t look at the cyclists speeding downhill on narrow mountain passes, with switchbacks and big drops on the side. I was too scared they’d drop off the side, the speed was incredible and the risk enormous. I concluded that practise and confidence in their own abilities enabled them to overcome the fear. For you, there will be your own risks – perhaps to your ego and situations that put you right outside your comfort zone. Unless you are prepared to take risks it will be a challenge to get the success you would love to have. The risks can eventually enable you to get to your desired goal.

Never give up
Nothing is ever finished until the end. Andy Schleck never gave up on the time trial. He knew he had to work hard on this area to potentially win against his greatest competitor, Alberto Contador. Andy did improve in this area significantly, compared to last year, and potentially he could come back next year and win against Alberto Contador. As with Andy’s desire to win Le Tour de France, you too need to get clear on the areas you could improve on and get extra help, coaching to improve your skills so you can aim to achieve your goals of finding and being with a great partner.

If you’d like to download my new free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2010.  All rights reserved.

Are you settling or is there someone better?

Often there comes a time in the relationship where a critical question or a derivative of it is asked, “should I settle or is there someone better?”  It can be at the stage where more commitment has been flagged, such as spending more time together, becoming exclusive, potentially moving in together, considering having children or prior to getting married.  It’s a realistic question, and there could be some real value in examining your thoughts and feelings about your partner and you and the relationship you have.

Some of the ideas questions you might like to ponder on are outlined below.

No one is perfect
Key to this dilemma is the realisation that no one is perfect.  Not you, not her or him.  You’re both unique with your own insecurities, personalities and behaviours.  My thoughts are that personalities remain consistent over time, behaviours can change if there is individual motivation and drive to change and insecurities can be managed and worked on if there is motivation to do so and assistance given to develop skills to adapt.  You will have to work out what parts of your partner and of you aren’t to your liking and establish whether you can live with that or not.

Changing your mate
Further to this is the idea of changing your mate to please you or believing that over time, with all your efforts that your mate is likely to change.  In my opinion, you’re better to accept your mate as who she/he is today and decide whether that is going to work for you long term.  Why?  Often you will be disappointed or create a rift in your relationship due to your unrealised hopes and expectations of the other person changing.  Okay, sometimes a partner can change a behaviour or way of doing things, but isn’t it better that that person does so because they are motivated to do so, rather than feel like they need to do it to have your approval? 

Relationships require work
Relationships do require effort, focus and time to make them successful.  What that means for you and your relationship can be something completely different to another couple. Spend time and effort working out what can delight your partner and what can be upsetting.  Then from that information, you can get to decide what you want to do about it.  It’s your choice.  However, I would also say that if a relationship is just too hard and that one party is making all the compromises or feeling like their needs aren’t being met, then objectively look at whether this relationship is the right one for you.

Your own personal checklist of needs, wants and values
If you can get absolutely clear about your fundamental needs and your key values, then screening and filtering in or out partners can seem a lot simpler.  Your fundamental needs will trip you up on a regular basis and if that is a difficulty in your relationship, then it is wise to review whether or not this person is right for you.  There are areas that you can compromise on and areas you can’t.  Try and clarify this as much as possible for yourself so you feel good about the decision you make.

If you’d like to download my free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz

You are welcome to reprint this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, for other sites, and inform me that you have done so.

Copyright (C) 2010.

Internet or online dating is very different to meeting someone through a social context. You have a one dimensional profile in front of you which highlights an image, a screen name and the beginnings of a profile or tagline. In a split second, you then choose to investigate some more or scroll to the next person. There are no additional cues to form a further first impression such as a tone of voice, the way someone moves and so on. So it stands to reason that you want to make the best possible impression with your photo, screen name and initial part of your profile so others can then feel like they want to find out more about you. Here are some things to consider. Image You must have a photo for online or internet dating. People can come to the conclusion that your appearance is not great if you have nothing here and will tend to move on to the next person. Or they just can’t be bothered investigating further and will move on. In addition, statistics indicate that those that do have a photo have more hits. So you need to put the most recent, attractive photos of you there. Ideally you want a flattering angle. If you are taking the photo of yourself, beware of shots that are too close or too far away. Too close and they can have the tendency to distort the shape of your face. Too far away and it is really hard to tell what you look like. Ensure there is good lighting – not too bright or too dark as this will make it hard for others to see you. Wearing hats or sunglasses may well be something you do regularly. However, many people find it off putting and if you want to attract a wider range of people to you, then it’s best to take these off for the photo. Likewise, pets and other people in the photo can be distracting and people scanning your photo could well form an incorrect opinion of you based on others in the photo. Also, people can be put off by a photo with someone cropped out of it. Having an extra arm, cheek or otherwise in the photo will make people come to all sorts of conclusions (rightly or wrongly) and move on. Ideally, a head and shoulders photo with a smiling friendly face is going to attract the widest appeal. Give some thought to the type of person you would ideally want to be with and how that person would present. Try and match your image with that and you are more likely to attract someone who is like this as well. The same goes for how much flesh to reveal. Remember, that although you might have a great body, if you bare too much you will attract those who are particularly interested in this. Whereas others will be put off by it. Keep yourself safe! Screen name What you call yourself for anonymity’s sake is important too. Take some time to think about this and consider what kind of person you want to attract, what name would put others off and whether you want your name to be descriptive of you in some way. Although less importance can be placed on this in general, a screen name that is too explicit, too weird or too rude will not help people to be drawn to you or perhaps attract attention that you don’t particularly want. So take care. Profile This is the part that contains lots of information about you in a number of areas such as interests, thoughts, etc. Often the first part of your first sentence will be highlighted here on some websites so you need to get your best information about yourself in here. In general, you want to keep your profile upbeat and positive. Avoid any needy lines or negative comments about what has happened in the past. Keep it honest. At the end of the day, if you proceed to meeting with someone, and if a relationship occurs in the future then whatever you weren’t truthful about will become apparent. Besides any good relationship is based on trust! Try to be specific about what you are writing. Give people a picture of what you are talking about. Inject your personality into what you are writing so people get a sense of you. Lastly, complete a spell check and check your grammar. Like it or not people can be put off by this, and taking a couple of minutes to check this can make you come across well. Test It might sound funny, but put your profile up and see what responses you are having. If there is not the response you had expected, then make some changes and test the response. If you are having problems working out what you need to change, then get some help to determine what needs changing and make the changes. If you’d like to download my free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here: http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz You are welcome to reprint this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, for other sites, and inform me that you have done so. Copyright (C) 2010.

Are you sure you’re ready for a relationship?

Many of us want to be in a great relationship and in my line of work I come across people who yearn for this.  However, there is often a gap between wanting to be in a great relationship and being ready or prepared to do what is necessary to be ready for a great relationship.  Bridging that gap is going to bring you closer to your ideal partner sooner.  Sometimes you have to allow yourself the time to reach that readiness stage, sometimes it is a matter of proactively preparing yourself and making yourself more ready.

Allowing yourself the time
Let me give you just one example of what I mean.  A relationship that you’ve been in has recently ended.  You do need to allow yourself a period of time to “get over” this.  Emotionally you need to work through the changes.  You may want to be in a new relationship but you might not quite be ready to commit.  Often relationships that occur after breakups can be short-lived.  It’s important to allow yourself the time and not beat yourself up while in this phase.  Accept that relationships or dating during this phase can be short-lived while you work through things.

Proactively readying yourself for a partner
Sometimes you’re not aware of what you need to be doing to be more ready for a long term relationship.  I would suggest it is often a matter of reviewing your thoughts and beliefs around long term relationships that can make more of a difference in bridging the gaps.

It is often useful to really examine some of your thoughts and beliefs and see what might be “unconsciously” blocking you from finding and attracting and forming a great relationship. 

Some useful exercises to start helping you can include:-

• Writing down all the compromises you think you’d have to make if you were in a long term relationship e.g. have to prepare meals all the time, have to share your income, lose your ability to do things as you want
• Writing down how you might get around this e.g. choose a partner that likes to cook too/or doesn’t mind preparing own meals, choose a partner who earns a similar income to you, choose a partner who also enjoys some level of independence
• Start thinking this way e.g. “I can find a partner who also enjoys cooking”
• Writing down your beliefs of why you’re not in a relationship e.g. too fat, too old, no one decent left
• Writing down alternative beliefs you could take onboard e.g. being a little cuddly doesn’t mean there is no one out there who would want me
• Write these beliefs down as an affirmation e.g. “There are plenty of decent, single, available partners for me”, “I can meet someone special for me at any age”

These are just some starting points.  It’s important to address anything that might be preventing you from being ready for a relationship, so that you do reduce the time it takes to finally find and be in a successful relationship.

If you’d like to download my free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2010.  All rights reserved.

How to find your partner the easy way

How often have you been attracted to someone while out walking, in a crowded bar, meeting or event somewhere and not either made eye contact, smiled, talked to them, found out if they were single or got their number?  Did you kick yourself later and ask yourself why you didn’t?

One of the mantras you’ll consistently hear me saying is that you can meet someone special absolutely anywhere.  Yes that can absolutely happen.  However, what if you take that one step further and proactively make the most of everyday situations.  Bump into someone, lock eyes, know he or she is the “one”, and run off into the sunset together!  Okay, but how often does that happen…only in the movies you say?

No matter what gender you are, you can absolutely do something.  Ladies, it’s not all up to the men to do something.  And men, you have lots you can do.

So what exactly are your options?  Well it varies according to your style and gender.  I don’t have the space here to go into all the scenarios and options available to you, but I did want to start you off.  Here are some tips.

Women
• Get your head around the idea that you can “subtly engineer” situations that don’t make you come across as needy and desperate
• There is no harm in making eye contact and smiling at person of interest.  If you think this is being too “out there” for you, try reframing it to being “friendly and welcoming to others”.
• Move closer to your person of interest or brush past them
• When you see an opportunity approach and make a comment about the situation you find yourself in (e.g. “It’s busy at the meeting tonight!”) or the commonality between you  (e.g. “I see your dog is as hard to keep out of the water as mine”) accompanied by eye contact, a smile and a first name introduction
• See how the conversation flows and as this occurs ensure you respond positively
• Depending on the duration/depth of your conversation, you can make a related comment about your or their availability status.  This can either drop a clue to them that you are potentially single, or as an enquiry enables them to answer in the positive or negative (e.g. “my single girlfriends and I occasionally come here…” or “Do your partner or the rest of your family take the dog for a walk as well?”
• Ideally it’s up to the guy to pick up this “friendly interest” and follow this through
• If this is not forthcoming, you can always make a comment regarding whether they regularly come to the event, meeting, park etc and if they answer in the positive, you can casually say you might see them round.
• Finish with “nice talking to you” or similar.
• If men want to take up the option of getting more information from you, asking you out, saying they hope to see you again, then respond in the positive but let them do the work
• Spend some time writing down some potential scenarios and possible “lines” you could use

Men
• Get your head around the idea that as a man it is primarily your duty to initiate approaches, conversations and asking women out.  Approaching increases your chances of getting dates.  Avoiding it, because of your fears only decreases your chances.
• There is no harm in making eye contact and smiling at persons of interest.  If you think this is being too “out there” for you, try reframing it to being “friendly and welcoming to others”.
• You may have received a quick glance, some eye contact or even a smile.  Approach her as quickly as possible if this is the case.  However, if she has turned her body away from you and has her arms crossed, it’s probably a less favourable time to approach her.  A woman is more open to approach if she has an open body posture and arms uncrossed.
• When you see an opportunity,  approach and make a comment about the situation you find yourself in (e.g. “It’s busy at the meeting tonight!”) or the commonality between you  (e.g. “I see your dog is as hard to keep out of the water as mine”) accompanied by eye contact, a smile and a first name introduction
• See how the conversation flows and as this occurs ensure you respond positively
• Depending on the duration/depth of your conversation, you can make a related comment about your or their availability status.  This can either drop a clue to them that you are potentially single, or as an enquiry enables them to answer in the positive or negative (e.g. “my mates and I occasionally come here…”, “since I’ve been divorced I’ve found that…” or “Do your partner or the rest of your family take the dog for a walk as well?”
• It’s up to you to take it to the next level
• Finish with “nice talking to you” or similar and ask them out
• Spend some time writing down some potential scenarios and possible “lines” you could use

If you’d like to download my free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2010.  All rights reserved.

Dating - Is honesty better than avoidance?

Women and men do like clear communication and honesty – but sometimes we avoid it in the dating process.  Why? Often the reasons are because we’re not sure how we really feel about the other person or we’re checking out other dates at the same time, or we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or we’re not confident that they’re really interested in us.

So my recommendations are based on what feedback clients do give me in terms of their preferences, be that men or women.  Let me take a few scenarios to demonstrate my points.

You’re not sure how you really feel about the other person yet
So you might have met someone face to face or virtually (phone, online etc) and perhaps you’ve only spoken to them or met them briefly once or talked over the phone, or just viewed their profile.  If you’re not sure, you need to get surer, either way.  It’s a matter of making a decision either way.  That might mean meeting up with them to sway your opinion.  It might mean really evaluating who you are and what you need/want and whether they meet your criteria or not.  You have to make a decision and then communicate it as clearly as possible to the other party. If eventually you decide they probably aren’t right for you, let them know as soon as possible.  Then you can both get on with potentially meeting others.

Checking out other dates at the same time
Let’s say you are dating and have just happened to meet/be approached by more than one person at the same time.  If this is your scenario, and you are somewhat interested in the new party (parties), then you’re going to have to make a decision that can work in your favour.  Make a decision on who you are going to continue with for now.  Then you can very kindly say to the other person that you have met someone and to be fair to everyone you would like to see how that progresses.  You can always say that should things not eventuate, would it be okay to contact them again and providing they are available then and still interested that you could then chat or meet up.  I know many people who have taken this approach and many who have received this message.  In both cases, both parties feel that they have been respected and have valued the honesty and clarity.  In fact often the receiver (of the message) likes the person even more because of their clarity, loyalty and honesty.  It makes them much more endearing if several weeks later they are contacted with a message like “Look, it didn’t pan out, and I realise you may no longer be interested or have moved on, but in the off chance that you’ve not, would you like to meet up with me?”

Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings
In order not to hurt someone’s feelings we often avoid the situation altogether.  It’s a default that many of us do.  However, long-term it tends to hurt the other party even more.  Take courage and get in contact with the other person and honestly tell them from your perspective you don’t see a future.  Again, this must be in your words ensuring that you are kind and respectful.  You don’t have to give reasons just that from your perspective, it’s just not for you.  

Lack of confidence that they’re interested in you
Often if you’re not sure and not confident that the other party is interested you can default to doing nothing.  This is often in the hope that the other party will take the action first and indicate their interest.  I’m going to veer into gender roles here.  I believe it’s up to the guy to take action and show interest (research and lots of feedback from men and women seem to back this up).  Guys if you don’t know if they are interested, you have to take action to find out either way.  Yes you may be rejected, you may be disappointed, but at least you will know and you will be able to get on with your next move.  Women, you need to do two things.  If you’re interested, don’t complicate things and ensure you respond clearly.  If you’re showing ambivalence or confusion, then he is likely to imitate that or decide you’re not interested.  Secondly, you do need to take a man’s action at face value.  If he is not initiating action and showing interest, then he probably isn’t interested enough to follow through (unless you are sending mixed messages yourself).  Don’t waste time wondering, get on with your life.

So get clear, honest and communicate, ensuring that your actions speak louder.

If you’d like to download my free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2009.  All rights reserved.

Attraction and compatibility do not necessarily go hand and hand, hence the above question.  The early part of a relationship is based on attraction, where physical attributes and other factors are early determinants of whether people will get together.  However, in the background there are a number of key influencing aspects such as our conditioned responses to certain types of people, their qualities, features and behaviours as well as an underlying recognition that something about the other person is filling a missing part of you.  The key to recognising whether a person is good for you or not starts with an honest review of yourself and your date.  Here are just some pointers for a start:

• Recognise what you are attracted to specifically in another person.  Is it the person’s looks, profession, charisma or charm?  Just get honest with yourself about all the specifics of what is appealing to you.

• Ask whether you need to change or modify your criteria.  In other words, do you absolutely need to be with a person who is blonde rather than brunette, in a specific professional group, or with loads of energy?

• Determine what your needs are.  Without being absolutely clear what your key needs are, you can often pick partners that are unable to meet your needs or you are unable to clearly communicate with them what you need so they can in turn try to meet your needs.  This can lead to frustration and breakdowns in relationships.  So get clear.  This can be easily determined using the methods I use in my programmes and coaching.

• Clarify what your boundaries are for unacceptable behaviour and learn to recognise clues your date may be displaying even in the early part of a relationship.  You can stop wasting lots of time if you can clarify this early.

• Keep checking out each others hopes, desires, values and ways of communicating.  For example if you wanted children but your partner didn’t, isn’t it better to know earlier than later so that you can make a choice as to whether to keep staying in this relationship. 

• Realising that what you were initially attracted to, does not necessarily predict a successful long term relationship or compatibility.

This list is not exhaustive and it is important to understand that we are all unique and so our attraction to and compatibility with others will vary from person to person.  Key to finding and attracting your ideal partner is learning more about yourself.

If you’d like to download my new free e-Book “Discover the secrets to finding and attracting your ideal partner and having the best relationship ever”, click here:

http://www.datingadvice.co.nz/GetPartneredeBooks.htm

Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to http://www.datingadvice.co.nz.

You are welcome to publish this article in its entirety, electronically, or in print free of charge, as long as you include my full signature file for ezines, and my website address in hyperlink, mentioned below, for other sites.  Please send a courtesy link or email where you publish to info@datingadvice.co.nz

© Copyright 2009.  All rights reserved.